Blah etc. and everything else

     Haaay!    

     Haberdey to me, haberdeyt o me, haberdey haberdey, haberdey to me.

     Pathetic…

     This day has given me things to cry about, things to laugh about and things to seriously think about. I always thought turning twenty would be somewhat of an epiphany, and it is much has been revealed to me on this day than anything else in my last year of teenhood.

     I turned twenty early, as compared to most of the people my age and I hate it. Though I view this early maturity an opportunity to get an upper-hand among my peers, I feel less mature the older I become.

     Why so?

     I never act my age, I don’t know, there may be patches of wisdom here and there, but that’s it. Truth is, I can never imagine myself as an old grandma, maybe I’ll be one of those cool grandmas that is if I ever have grandchildren. I fear the idea of growing old, maybe because I fear growing old alone. As so many people know, hahaha I am seriously and pathetically single.

     Enough about that, I’ve had enough of, “tatanda kang dalaga nyan” and “kasi bakit di mo pa sinagot?” I’ve made mistakes, and I am the epitome of a fickle minded woman. Not necessarily a perfect guy, basta natiis ang mood swings ko yun na un. (tignan ang mga ex ko to know) The fear actually comes from finding a guy with enough patience for my mood swings. Haaay sabi ko enough na eh, takte kasi kakatapos lang ng valentines day.

     So today’s my 20th birthday, I’ve concluded that I think like a kid, but I find it necessary to look at something’s bright side. I actually found that out when Stepehen pointed out earlier at the tambayan something like, Philippine Politics is so bulok which is why there is so much poverty.

     Although I agree fully with the guy, and I sincerely believe that the Philippines is in need of a political overhaul, I said something quite different. I said something like, “Think of it as this, if everything was perfect, then you wouldn’t know what it means to be happy. You won’t know happiness until you’ve known sorrow.” Now where did that come from?

     That was one of my wise moments. Truth is, I figured, if you can’t be part of the solution you shouldn’t be part of the problem. I sincerely believe that at this age you can’t really do much, unless you’re overly wealthy, overly influential, or overly smart, and even then, change takes time.

     So by that statement, I meant to say that even poverty has its good side. Although that statement came from the mouth of someone who hasn’t experienced poverty, and I know that it sounds arrogant.

     I hate that part of me though, even though it is true and it is a learned statement, you can’t really solve anything by looking at its bright side.

     I never went anywhere did I? I guess I just wanted to put my thoughts into writing.

     I hate problems, I hate poverty, I hate corruption and I hate it that I can’t do anything about it, really. Grrrrr! I’m friggin twenty, and as much as I’ve tried to make a difference, I really haven’t.

     …. Calming down…

     So how do you come from telling about your birthday, to telling about bad love luck, to politics? Well that is when you’ve eaten lots of heavy meals in one day because everyone insists on celebrating your birthday.

     Medyo nakakaiyak nga lang kasi I never got to celebrate with my old highschool friends. Natuwa pa ako kasi si Livi, a classmate from Chem 31, remembered. And a cousin, whom I’ve only met once in my life, took the time to greet me through friendster, and tell me stories. I was really touched. Truth is kahit reminder lang sa cellphone or sa friendster, at least naalala nila at nageffort. Nakakatampo lang kasi most ng mga bumati sakin mga nasa org. Especially considering na last sem ko lang sila nakilala. Well that may be due to the fact na last week pa nila ako binabati at napakalaki ng pangalan ko sa feb 15 sa org calendar.

     I don’t know if I’m making such a big deal out of it, pero I know that during T’s birthday, kahit nakaunlimited ako for globe, nagload ako para lang mabati sya. At kahit makakalimutin ako, their birthdays are the one’s I will never forget, together with my family’s birthdays.

     And on one’s last birthday, I went through a series of unfortunate events just to be able to attend the overnight celebration, went through waist high flood waters, even lied to my parents so that they will allow me to be away for more than 24 hours.

     I’ve been trying in vain to rescue a friendship that has stood on a tight-rope for more than four years. Personally I’ve had enough of bearing the two of them on my back and trying to balance everything. I will of course let them hold on until we come to the safe side, but not on my back, not anymore.

     I’ve done all I can, I’ve tried to be there when they ask, and I am, and always was there, had they asked. And I know in my heart that on one call or text I would have come if they asked. Well apparently it was wrong of me to think that they had the same zeal as I. It is sad to think that we all clinged to the friendship because there was nothing else to cling to.

     And now that there is an alternative, the distance has become very clear. I knew this would come someday. I just didn’t have the heart to accept it until now. Its not the forgotten birthday, that was only the last straw, it was simply the lack of care, simple care. I feel that it is best to let go, you can’t run a pedicab if only one wheel works.

     Buti pa yung taong ngayong college ko lang nagging kaclose, buti pa siya naalala. Kung nagging close lang siguro kami earlier… Haaay.

     Ayan tapos na akong magdrama, ubos na yung pizza ko. Nagsabi na ako about love, about maturity and about friendship. That should be enough. If there’s something that two decades of being alive has taught me, it is that things change. You can never expect a splendid thing to be forever breathtaking, you can never expect something solid to be solid forever. It will change somehow, and you’ll just have to accept it, and maybe, if you can, then oyu can look at the bright isde and enjoy whatever good it provided.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 15th, 2006 at 7:05 am and is filed under blurbs. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.