Blah etc. and everything else

     The past 4 days of cancelled classes gave me enough time to put into writing a short story that I’ve been itching to write. Although I don’t actually know the plot yet, I’m pretty sure it’ll hit me sometime this week. In the meantime, here’s what I’ve come up with so far.

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            The cold wind did nothing to calm her nerves. Here she was smoking her last stick of cigarette, not knowing when she’ll get another one.

            “Why did the stupid cart lady have to diasppear on a day like this?” She asked herself.

            The leaves were falling, the sky was dark grey. It’s the perfect weather, cool and shady, but not rainy. Some people would find it gloomy, but it was perfect for her. The slightly cool breeze, the falling leaves, even the lack of people in the usually hustled parking lot behind the engineering building.

            “Where are all the friggin people?” She asked herself.

            She didn’t know why she was there, nor the reason why she only had three sticks of cigarettes when she usually had a whole pack.

            She consumed the first two out of pure anxiety. She’d been walking around campus, in the excruciatingly dramatic curtain of falling leaves, without seeing anyone. She was sure she’d find people in the Engineering building, or even in the tambayan complex, but when she got there, shivers went through her spine.

            The gates of the building were closed, and there wasn’t anything in the tambayan complex. No tables, no chairs, no roofs, just an empty piece of land with a few trees.

            That was the last straw, she took out the lighter and lit the first cigarette that she’d been saving for emergencies, apparently this was one.

            Her logical mind taught her to be calm, to look at things rationally.

            “Ok there’s been a mistake maybe I’m not in the Engineering building, or maybe this is just someone’s poor imitation of my campus.”

            So she walked, walked along streets all to familiar walking to the place where she knew she can confirm her suspicions.

            “This cannot be the place I think it to be, its just impossible, irrational.”

            When she arrived at the place that she wanted to go, she almost fainted.

            “Is this someone’s stupid idea of a joke?”

            She was staring at the proof that this place was indeed that place she thought it was, but a little different from what she was used to. There it was the beautiful effigy which represented all that her school stood for, freedom and patriotism. She looked it up and down just to be sure, even read the inscription to convince herself.

            “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

            That’s when she lit the next one.

            “Ok there’s got to be a reasonable explanation.”

            So she backtracked, every step, and criticized every single detail of every tree, every building, every waiting shed, every walkway. Everything is in place, everything is just fine, except, there were no people. It was too quiet. The sound of usual chatter was missing, the rumble of vehicles, the sounds of people, nothing, just the wind howling in her ear like a broken car horn.

     I can’t believe I lasted three days, cooped up at home, with no internet and nothing else to do. It was actually a miracle that I lasted that long without internet connection. If truth be told I was just plain lazy to buy an internet card. I had to wait for my dad to buy one for me when he went shopping.

     Funny, before I opened this friendster window I thought I would write  abunch of stuff and now everything just seems to escape me.

     Anyway, if you have time, drop by my johari window. It’s kinda cool and after looking at mine, you can make yours as well.

     http://kevan.org/johari?view=Mau+hernandez

  Word of the Day

cha·grin (shə-grĭn‘)
n.

A keen feeling of mental unease, as of annoyance or embarrassment, caused by failure, disappointment, or a disconcerting event: To her chagrin, the party ended just as she arrived.

tr.v., -grined, -grin·ing, -grins.

To cause to feel chagrin; mortify or discomfit: He was chagrined at the poor sales of his book. See synonyms at embarrass.

bla·sé (blä-z) adj. 1. Uninterested because of frequent exposure or indulgence. 2. Unconcerned; nonchalant: had a blasé attitude about housecleaning. 3. Very sophisticated.

mas madaling pronunciation: blah-zey

     Ayun I feel heavy again today, pero I hardly ate anything. Buti na lang nakausap ko si Jervik ayan medjo magaan na. Siguro fatigue lang ito, after all 3 days na akong nagsusubsist sa 2 hours of sleep every night.

     I’m starting to have migraines, and it’s not very pleasant. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m being too worrisome. Pero when I start to be a little careless, I still end up worrying about that thing that I was so careless about before.

     One of the things that I’m worrrying about right now is the ultimatum I made. I made a vow to do this thing, that I mostly probably won’t do anyway. But if i don’t I also promised to do some other thing to compensate.

    I am intentionally being vague, after all this is a public domain. I just wish I’d have enough courage to do that thing I have to do and not chicken out like I always do.

     Well the statement "You won’t know until you try" may be blase, but it sure is true.

     "coz maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me, and after all, you’re my wonderwall."

        - Oasis, Wonderwall

     "Maybe, I need to see the daylight, leave behind this half life, don’t you see I’m breaking down? O h lately, something here don’t feel right, this is just a half life."

          - Duncan Sheik, Half-Life

     "You gave me a reason for my being and I love what I’m feeling… And it all began when I met you"

          - Apo Hiking Society, When I met you

     " I won’t go, I won’t sleep, I can’t breathe, until you’re resting here with me"

          -Here with Me, Dido

     "I hope we can spend more time together, a few hours is better than ever… If we can only make it longer. The whole day would be fine"

          -Fine Time, Eraserheads

     "Why don’t oyu and I get together, take on the world and be together forever, heads we will and tails we try again."

          - Carlos SAntana, feat Chad Kroeger of Nickelback, Why Don’t You and I

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     Ang mga nasa taas ay mga favorite lines ko ng song. Wala akong mgawa eh, kahit may exam bukas sa 131, nawawalan ako ng gana. Parang naging ritual ko na ang magsulat sa isang journal, not necessarily this blog. Hehehe syempre I keep certain things to myself.

     Masaya ako ngayon, kasi nabili ko na yung napakatagal ko nang gustong bilhin, jogging shoes. Kasi luray luray na yung blue ko na rubber shoes, last year pa yun eh, eh yun lang namana ng fit na ipang-jog sa mga footwear that I currently own. Although hindi pang-jog tlaga yung binili kong shoes, bhala na, cute yung design eh, so yun na yon.

     Another thing is, nakabili ako ng chocolates! Adik ako dooonn!! May strawberry pala na Samba, di ko alam. Syempre chupeta na chocolates lang kasi nga gipit sa imuy these days, kelangan ko pang magpainom dito sa bahay kasi 2 years na kong di nagpapainom sa mga childhood friends ko. WAhehehe.

     Nakatanggap din ako ng sulat kay edgie, yung friend ko na nasa Japan. dun sya kasi nagwowork. Kakamiss nga eh. Kasabay na nung inuman yung video greeting namin sa kanya, April Birthday non eh. Di ko nga lang sure yung exact date kasi di ko nasualt sa cute kong calendar.

     Nakapagjog din kami ni Lynius today, kahit na medjo 1 hour lang, nalate kasi ako ng gising eh.

     And op kors, since nanalo si Kuya JP ng 2nd place sa Word WAr * (isang scrabble tourney) binigay nya ang isa sa 2 scrabble board na premyo sakin! Whoohoo. THANKS KUYA JP!!!! Matagal ko na kasing pinapangarap na magkascrabble board. Kaso pag nagkakapera ako, di ako bumibili kasi naisip ko wala naman akong kalaro.

     Saya ko den kasi wala lang, amazing yung bago kong calcu, binasa ko kasi yung maual, suamkit ulo ko.

     Ang babaw ko noh? Well sabi nga ni Dianne sakin, weird kami pareho, nageenjoy kaming pumunta ng National Bookstore at naeexcite kami pareho pag pumupunta kami kasi there’s always something new and useful to buy there. True yon, enjoy akong magshop sa National! Wahehehe

     Anyway, kelangan ko nang ilabas ang lahat ng kasiyahan ko ngayon at baka mangyari ang reverse tommorow at ako’y manlumo.

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     Before I end this entry, maglalagay ako ng new vocab word. Kasi nga madalas pag nagbabasa ako sa libro, dinadaan ko sa context clues yung meaning nung word, kaya minsan mali mali ang aking diction at use of words. Ang yabang ko pa pag nangkokorek ako ako pala mali, wahehehe. eto yung new word: (try kong maglagay ng word of da day ebridey)

in·gen·ious (ĭn-jēn‘yəs)
adj.

1. Marked by inventive skill and imagination.
2. Having or arising from an inventive or cunning mind; clever: an ingenious scheme. See synonyms at clever.
3. Obsolete. Having genius; brilliant.

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story behind the word of the day.

May tanga kasi akong teacher nung First year highschool, sabi ba naman ingenious ay opposite ng genius kasi nga in is a prefix that stands for negation. Edi ako naman naniwala. Axually, mas bilib ako sa sarili kong definition na it’s supposed to be somewhat similar to clever, pero bothered pa rin ako e. Kaya ayan, to assure myself, similar to clever nga ang ingenious, tama ang aking paggamit ng context clues, wahehehe.

     Yesterday (Sunday) was the Feast of San Roque, so naturally lots of food and events. It’s actually the first fiesta that I didn’t invite any classmates. I kinda promised my mom I wouldn’t because she’s not in the mood to cook for lots of people.

     We don’t have visitors during fiestas anymore, people just don’t bother. Anyway, it turns out my mom had to prepare something because my sister leaves for Japan tomorrow. She’s going on a business trip for one month, so I’m an only child until March 20, yay!

     Because it’s a fiesta, you would expect drinking sessions once the sun goes down, and drink they did. (Notice the use of they, I didn’t have an intake of alcohol at all, yay!)

     And since it was a co-ed drinking session andun si childhood crush. Hindi na sya kalbo he reverted to his old hairstyle, pero syempre cute pa din. Unusual thing is, we actually talked and joked. He doesn’t usually talk to girls, ganun sya katorpe. Siya ang torpe king ng tropa. Wala lang kilig moment lang kasi in years and years of friendship we never talked one on one for more than 3 minutes or so.

     Ito ba ang pagrerekindle ng old infatuation ko?!?! (eeww parang some corny telenovela with an equally corny tagline) Well abangan na lang ang susunod na kabanata.

     Haaay!    

     Haberdey to me, haberdeyt o me, haberdey haberdey, haberdey to me.

     Pathetic…

     This day has given me things to cry about, things to laugh about and things to seriously think about. I always thought turning twenty would be somewhat of an epiphany, and it is much has been revealed to me on this day than anything else in my last year of teenhood.

     I turned twenty early, as compared to most of the people my age and I hate it. Though I view this early maturity an opportunity to get an upper-hand among my peers, I feel less mature the older I become.

     Why so?

     I never act my age, I don’t know, there may be patches of wisdom here and there, but that’s it. Truth is, I can never imagine myself as an old grandma, maybe I’ll be one of those cool grandmas that is if I ever have grandchildren. I fear the idea of growing old, maybe because I fear growing old alone. As so many people know, hahaha I am seriously and pathetically single.

     Enough about that, I’ve had enough of, “tatanda kang dalaga nyan” and “kasi bakit di mo pa sinagot?” I’ve made mistakes, and I am the epitome of a fickle minded woman. Not necessarily a perfect guy, basta natiis ang mood swings ko yun na un. (tignan ang mga ex ko to know) The fear actually comes from finding a guy with enough patience for my mood swings. Haaay sabi ko enough na eh, takte kasi kakatapos lang ng valentines day.

     So today’s my 20th birthday, I’ve concluded that I think like a kid, but I find it necessary to look at something’s bright side. I actually found that out when Stepehen pointed out earlier at the tambayan something like, Philippine Politics is so bulok which is why there is so much poverty.

     Although I agree fully with the guy, and I sincerely believe that the Philippines is in need of a political overhaul, I said something quite different. I said something like, “Think of it as this, if everything was perfect, then you wouldn’t know what it means to be happy. You won’t know happiness until you’ve known sorrow.” Now where did that come from?

     That was one of my wise moments. Truth is, I figured, if you can’t be part of the solution you shouldn’t be part of the problem. I sincerely believe that at this age you can’t really do much, unless you’re overly wealthy, overly influential, or overly smart, and even then, change takes time.

     So by that statement, I meant to say that even poverty has its good side. Although that statement came from the mouth of someone who hasn’t experienced poverty, and I know that it sounds arrogant.

     I hate that part of me though, even though it is true and it is a learned statement, you can’t really solve anything by looking at its bright side.

     I never went anywhere did I? I guess I just wanted to put my thoughts into writing.

     I hate problems, I hate poverty, I hate corruption and I hate it that I can’t do anything about it, really. Grrrrr! I’m friggin twenty, and as much as I’ve tried to make a difference, I really haven’t.

     …. Calming down…

     So how do you come from telling about your birthday, to telling about bad love luck, to politics? Well that is when you’ve eaten lots of heavy meals in one day because everyone insists on celebrating your birthday.

     Medyo nakakaiyak nga lang kasi I never got to celebrate with my old highschool friends. Natuwa pa ako kasi si Livi, a classmate from Chem 31, remembered. And a cousin, whom I’ve only met once in my life, took the time to greet me through friendster, and tell me stories. I was really touched. Truth is kahit reminder lang sa cellphone or sa friendster, at least naalala nila at nageffort. Nakakatampo lang kasi most ng mga bumati sakin mga nasa org. Especially considering na last sem ko lang sila nakilala. Well that may be due to the fact na last week pa nila ako binabati at napakalaki ng pangalan ko sa feb 15 sa org calendar.

     I don’t know if I’m making such a big deal out of it, pero I know that during T’s birthday, kahit nakaunlimited ako for globe, nagload ako para lang mabati sya. At kahit makakalimutin ako, their birthdays are the one’s I will never forget, together with my family’s birthdays.

     And on one’s last birthday, I went through a series of unfortunate events just to be able to attend the overnight celebration, went through waist high flood waters, even lied to my parents so that they will allow me to be away for more than 24 hours.

     I’ve been trying in vain to rescue a friendship that has stood on a tight-rope for more than four years. Personally I’ve had enough of bearing the two of them on my back and trying to balance everything. I will of course let them hold on until we come to the safe side, but not on my back, not anymore.

     I’ve done all I can, I’ve tried to be there when they ask, and I am, and always was there, had they asked. And I know in my heart that on one call or text I would have come if they asked. Well apparently it was wrong of me to think that they had the same zeal as I. It is sad to think that we all clinged to the friendship because there was nothing else to cling to.

     And now that there is an alternative, the distance has become very clear. I knew this would come someday. I just didn’t have the heart to accept it until now. Its not the forgotten birthday, that was only the last straw, it was simply the lack of care, simple care. I feel that it is best to let go, you can’t run a pedicab if only one wheel works.

     Buti pa yung taong ngayong college ko lang nagging kaclose, buti pa siya naalala. Kung nagging close lang siguro kami earlier… Haaay.

     Ayan tapos na akong magdrama, ubos na yung pizza ko. Nagsabi na ako about love, about maturity and about friendship. That should be enough. If there’s something that two decades of being alive has taught me, it is that things change. You can never expect a splendid thing to be forever breathtaking, you can never expect something solid to be solid forever. It will change somehow, and you’ll just have to accept it, and maybe, if you can, then oyu can look at the bright isde and enjoy whatever good it provided.

     just felt like writing something…

     I took this tickle test at tickle.com and it said I’m brown.

     I didn’t think I was that geeky nor quiet.

     the result made me look like a nerd, which I am soooo not. I too stupid to be a nerd actually.

     I actually took the test a few weeks ago, but I see my friend’s results and most results fit the person’s profile, so why doesn’t mine?

     This is the brown profile:

You’re brown, a credible, stable color that’s reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you’re a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you’re probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you’re constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it’s by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.

     And nerdy noh?

     Di ko ito matatanggap, pero I retook the test, didn’t really change much pero sinagot ko with all my heart, and unfortunately ako’y brown pa rin. Siguro nga may inner nerd ako, or baka ako lang ang nagiisip na di ako nerd.

     I’m having a e-heads fixation. Puro e-heads ang nasa playlist ko. La lang, ngaun ko lang kasi narealize na di lang pala music nila ung maganda, astig din ung lyrics. I never wuite understood, nor related to the lyrics until now. I was a naive, child when the e-heads we’re at the peak of their career.

     My present favorite is what’s playing in my profile which are, the barkada song, Minsan, the love song Fine time, the semi grunge song Spoliarium, the general speaks to everyone song Hard to Believe and another grunge song, Shadow. Naalala ko lang, ang fave kong album is Cutterpillow. Astig kasi ung songs. Haaay those were the days.

     Sabi nga nila, sana magreunion concert sila, kahit one last ocncert together. Asa pa.