Blah etc. and everything else

I wrote this on November 25, 2005, I don’t know why, I think it was supposed to be apost in this blog, i’m not really sure if I posted it or not, but it applies to my current situation.

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     I envy people with only trivial matters to attend to, right now, everybody’s problems, to me is trivial.

     I hope all of those who chose to share theirs (problems) with me do not get mad, but presently, although I try to be the silent and impartial listener, I’m just not in the mood to carry other people’s problems just yet.

     I do have my own, and mine aren’t so trivial, well at least to me.

     The sad thing is, I think I’m reverting to my old lonesome self, the one that deals with everything on her own.

     I sort of vowed a few years ago, to be more open, about me, not just my mind but also my heart, my whole being, to learn to accept things for what they are, and to learn to tell people what I think and what’s bothering me, especially my friends.

     I was, slightly successful. I got this blog, which is the nearest thing I can get to telling people how I feel, I’ve also shared a few deep, dark and sometimes, embarrassing secrets with a few chosen friends.

     But right now, I think I’m slowly going back to the old me, the one who prefers to be alone, the one who keeps everything to herself and tries to solve every problem on her own.

     Why?

     Well frankly because I’m quite tired of explaining something to somebody who can’t or doesn’t want to get what I’m trying to say.

     I’m tired, oh so tired, I haven’t felt this crappy since, I don’t know when. The cold and the sore throat aren’t helping either.

     The thing is, it’s affecting me, everything I do, even my short term memory. Yes believe it or not, my already rusty memory is even rustier. I don’t really know, but I think the stress is the reason why three different illnesses have invaded my body.

     When I want to rest, I can’t seem to fall asleep, and when I want to stay awake, I feel sleepy.

     Its probably also due to the fact, that once again, I overestimated something, I expected too much, tried to do too much, tried too hard, and in turn fell too hard.

     Damn

     The one day vacation I got yesterday wasn’t much help.

     I wish…

     I wish I could just get away, from everything, just one week, alone, somewhere where it’s cool and quiet, where I can reflect on the demons swarming my head, and maybe have a good talk with them.

     Unfortunately I can’t. I’ll just have to weather out this storm, alone, as I’ve always weathered out every other storm that came to my life before.

     After all God is with me, He’s gotten me through everything, and He’ll get me through this.

     “And he said cast your burden upon me, those who are heavily laden, come to me all of you who are tired, of carrying heavy loads. For the yoke I will give you is easy, and my burden is light, come to me and I will give you rest.”

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This other one I wrote on December 4, 2005, not sure if I posted this before either, but it still applies.

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     Why is it that when it comes, it all comes rushing at once? The happiness, sabay sabay tapos biglang kang  bubulagain ng lungkot.

     Everything came at once, and I barely got out of it, but I am now fatigued, anemic, migrained, tired, frustrated, disappointed, and through it all I didn’t even lose a single pound.

     How do you remedy sadness caused by everything around you? How can you avoid depression when everything shouts it?

     It’s obvious isn’t it, everybody’s trying to show a happy face, but inside you know that there’s a dark creature creeping, pulling at their insides, willing them to just break down. But no, life goes on, it doesn’t get bothered by trivial things such as depression or failure, life cares for no-one, either you go with it, or you get left behind.

     Life is cruel and unjust still we hold on, maybe because we don’t know the difference. How different is life from death? If we only knew then it would be easier to choose.

     Some choose the unknown over a cruel known, maybe under the assumption that there may be something better beyond there.

     But don’t get me wrong, I’m just as curious as the next person, whether death is better than life, but I don’t intend to find out soon.

     Salamat naisulat ko din.

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So di ba obvious na sinusuka ko na ang pagsusulat? Recycled na lang pati post. Siguro kelangan ko munang tigilan, parang ung period after highschool and before 2nd yr, at which sumusulat lang ako para sa homework at papers.

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