Blah etc. and everything else

     I got to talk to old friends today. Well just two. One very close to my heart, and the other, very close to my funny bones.

     It seems I don’t have time for my friends anymore. With the less than an hour chit-chat I had with close-to-the-heart friend, I found out a few chosen gossip that I wouldn’t have known had I not called for something selfish.

     The other friend is another story, I thought he went off the edge for good when I viewed his friendster account profile lately. Fortunately, he’s still sane. Hahaha I had the impression a certain bout with a former love might’ve affected his brain, but then again, that’s just my active almost schizophrenic imagination working.

     On to the new music part. I heard this cute song entitled "Narda" by Kamikazee. They’re the same ones who brought to life the song "Chiksilog" which I also love. WAhehehe.

     The thing I like about the song, isn’t its corny title, nor its corny subject. Much like the song "Jopay" by Mayonnaise, it tells about some guys fascination/obssession with some unreachable girl. YOu can hear it at TristanCAfe by the way.

     The think I like about this song is the lack of fear in the writers part to use an unlikely character. Of course most people that listen to Kamikazee would deem the female heroin "corny" at the least. And this is exactly what’s so great about it, the emotionality that’s already there in the title.

     Basically, the song says that an unreachable love can be compared to a fanaticism of Darna, you still continue even if it makes you look stupid, or even if you’re the corniest of the corn folk out there.  And the mere use of the heroin as a metaphor, I think best describes the simple impossibility of being noticed, unless of course, you’re already dying or in mortal danger.

     Astig na music, although a bit rough on the edges.

Pasaway Quiz ng TristanCafe for this week

35 to 49 points = Wagi sa pag-ibig! Slightly engot ka lang sa pag-ibig. Careful ka kasi in your relationships, at realistic ang expectations mo when it comes to love. You’re not exactly a wide-eyed hopeless romantic. Most probably, ilang beses ka na din nasaktan in your past romances, at dahil may konting utak ka naman, you’ve learned from those experiences. Hindi ka ganun kadali ma-in-love, hindi ka ganun kabilis magtiwala, pero minsan tatanga-tanga ka pa din. Well, ganyan naman yata ang nature ng pag-ibig. Minsan love is blind talaga. Willing ka i-overlook ang ibang mga pagkakamali o pagkukulang ng labidabs mo, basta ba hindi naman sukdulang lokohan na ang nagaganap, in which case, lokohin nya lelang nyang panot. Advice: don’t give up on love, dadating din ang right person for you. Pero kung hindi, well, sorry ka na lang

     You know the lyrics…

          "I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadow"

     I came across this e-mail talking about funny lyrics that "song hits" writers, whoever they are, had the guts to publish. Apparently one of these published the following in place of the one above.

          "i decided long ago, never to walk in Edu Manzano"

     Well at least we know that Edu was sikat back then.

————————————————————————————————-

     That of course is not the topic of this post. Once again, the blgo entries are starting to have short time differences, and I once agian find myself wanting to write an entry. It is not a chronicle of how my day was, nor is it a tirade about politics and economy, it is just a simple blurb, something I thought to write about, and fortunately had the time to do so.

     That line from a very famous song spoke to me as a child. I decided never to settle for second best, never to be outperformed, never say die.

     You’d think I was preparing for war.

     But I was, and still am under someone’s shadow. A person I could not see, nor will be able to see. It is a shroud that I cannot grasp, and the more I struggle to get out, the bigger it becomes, as if the person standing in my light has suddenly had the urge to become obscenely obese just to keep me in the darkness.

     …

     What have I become?

     Certainly a better person, but one that is unsatisfied. All my life I’ve been searching for perfection, attaining it almost. And for one fleeting second, I thought I’d finally be free of the shroud. But something blocked my way years ago. It was the happiest year of my life, who would’ve thought it would be the start of the worst?

     I don’t regret the decision I  made that day, although the path I chose saddens me much, I still became a better person after taking it. We sometimes have to choose the harder path to attain greater changes, the easier one isn’t always the best, and I’ve come to accept that.

     It just pains me that I didn’t try hard enough, that I let that harder path get the best of me, that I let the thorns block my way instead of cutting them, that I let the mud hinder me when I could’ve jumped over it, all because I didn’t bother to.

     But maybe it’s not too late, maybe the shroud will have an end, maybe that obese person stupidly standing in my light would finally get a well deserved heart attack and give me my light back. i just hope I’ll have the courage to try and reach it.

     I find that I haven’t been writing as often as I used to. I used to update this blog daily, but now, I don’t know maybe its just the lack of inspiration.

     Anyway, I feel so tired, so if you’re reading this to relax, stop now because you are about to read the rantings of a 3rd year Chemical Engineering Student, procrastinating before doing her real work and whining about the days she’s had so far.

     I only slept 2 hours last night so that I could review for the Ene 31 exam. Then I realized in the middle of studying, that I can’t find my notebook. And after futile searching I was still unable to find it. So I was reduced to scraping what I can out of my already fried memory, and what was left of the small notes I took on other peices of paper. Fortunately, the test was easy, and I don’t think I lost much points.

     When I arrived at the tambayan, I was so energetic, I played cards to 4pm. And I conned an orgmate into accompanying me to SM to buy a few things that I should’ve bought ages ago.

     When I arrived home, it seems my room sucked all the energy out of me. Just seeing my bed, my favorite peices of wood and cloth combined together in one loving package, makes my legs go all jelly-like and my eyes droop to the floor. Unfortunately, I can’t sleep just yet, I still have truckloads to do and very little time to do it.

     I just wished I didn’t enjoy playing cards at the tambayan too much. It’s like a vicegrip that just won’t let go unless I cut my arm off, although not literally. Bucks has the same sentiments, except he used chains as a metaphor.

     Haaay, my room once again, looks like its been hit by a tsunami. I soooo need to change! So I swear on my life, my cellphone and my computer, that if I don’t go straight home tommowor right after my last class, I will not have a morsel of chocolate for two months, no mp3 player music for the next three weeks, and no CSI for the rest of February!

     I just hope I won’t have to kill myself if I don’t follow it. *sigh*

"No title"

Life brings about such irony

That only demons can fathom its cruelty

.

Only in this world does it happen

That ends of the same poles never touch

‘Tis utterly mishappen

Where hearts don’t matter much

.

It’s only here that a train travels

And arrives at no destination

Instead it goes in circles

Unsure of its final location

.

Dare us in such a land strive

Where emotions are made writings

A land ruled with strife

From hearts with diffferent pinings

.

Still thou should stand up and see

The light we failed to catch

For Lo it did not flee

The one you chose to match

.

Hope lies in the hearts of the hopeful

Everything in the world has symmetry

So in the darkness if doubtful

Hope and the light will find thee

.

.

"Nevermore"

Said his dark bird’s peom

"Nevermore" Poe said

.

And indeed nevermore

For that bleak December

The ghosts of embers

died not on the floor

.

Instead they blazed

like never before

Leaving a haze

beside the door

.

Telling us otherwise of lost Lenore

Lost not is Lenore

For there she dwells

In your bossom’s core

.

.

- A few poems I crafted recently. I just wish I followed these advices more often, but sometimes, you can’t help but have a slump. Kind of like the one I’m having now.

I wrote this on November 25, 2005, I don’t know why, I think it was supposed to be apost in this blog, i’m not really sure if I posted it or not, but it applies to my current situation.

.

     I envy people with only trivial matters to attend to, right now, everybody’s problems, to me is trivial.

     I hope all of those who chose to share theirs (problems) with me do not get mad, but presently, although I try to be the silent and impartial listener, I’m just not in the mood to carry other people’s problems just yet.

     I do have my own, and mine aren’t so trivial, well at least to me.

     The sad thing is, I think I’m reverting to my old lonesome self, the one that deals with everything on her own.

     I sort of vowed a few years ago, to be more open, about me, not just my mind but also my heart, my whole being, to learn to accept things for what they are, and to learn to tell people what I think and what’s bothering me, especially my friends.

     I was, slightly successful. I got this blog, which is the nearest thing I can get to telling people how I feel, I’ve also shared a few deep, dark and sometimes, embarrassing secrets with a few chosen friends.

     But right now, I think I’m slowly going back to the old me, the one who prefers to be alone, the one who keeps everything to herself and tries to solve every problem on her own.

     Why?

     Well frankly because I’m quite tired of explaining something to somebody who can’t or doesn’t want to get what I’m trying to say.

     I’m tired, oh so tired, I haven’t felt this crappy since, I don’t know when. The cold and the sore throat aren’t helping either.

     The thing is, it’s affecting me, everything I do, even my short term memory. Yes believe it or not, my already rusty memory is even rustier. I don’t really know, but I think the stress is the reason why three different illnesses have invaded my body.

     When I want to rest, I can’t seem to fall asleep, and when I want to stay awake, I feel sleepy.

     Its probably also due to the fact, that once again, I overestimated something, I expected too much, tried to do too much, tried too hard, and in turn fell too hard.

     Damn

     The one day vacation I got yesterday wasn’t much help.

     I wish…

     I wish I could just get away, from everything, just one week, alone, somewhere where it’s cool and quiet, where I can reflect on the demons swarming my head, and maybe have a good talk with them.

     Unfortunately I can’t. I’ll just have to weather out this storm, alone, as I’ve always weathered out every other storm that came to my life before.

     After all God is with me, He’s gotten me through everything, and He’ll get me through this.

     “And he said cast your burden upon me, those who are heavily laden, come to me all of you who are tired, of carrying heavy loads. For the yoke I will give you is easy, and my burden is light, come to me and I will give you rest.”

.

This other one I wrote on December 4, 2005, not sure if I posted this before either, but it still applies.

.

     Why is it that when it comes, it all comes rushing at once? The happiness, sabay sabay tapos biglang kang  bubulagain ng lungkot.

     Everything came at once, and I barely got out of it, but I am now fatigued, anemic, migrained, tired, frustrated, disappointed, and through it all I didn’t even lose a single pound.

     How do you remedy sadness caused by everything around you? How can you avoid depression when everything shouts it?

     It’s obvious isn’t it, everybody’s trying to show a happy face, but inside you know that there’s a dark creature creeping, pulling at their insides, willing them to just break down. But no, life goes on, it doesn’t get bothered by trivial things such as depression or failure, life cares for no-one, either you go with it, or you get left behind.

     Life is cruel and unjust still we hold on, maybe because we don’t know the difference. How different is life from death? If we only knew then it would be easier to choose.

     Some choose the unknown over a cruel known, maybe under the assumption that there may be something better beyond there.

     But don’t get me wrong, I’m just as curious as the next person, whether death is better than life, but I don’t intend to find out soon.

     Salamat naisulat ko din.

.

So di ba obvious na sinusuka ko na ang pagsusulat? Recycled na lang pati post. Siguro kelangan ko munang tigilan, parang ung period after highschool and before 2nd yr, at which sumusulat lang ako para sa homework at papers.

     I haven’t had an entry for God knows how long!

     It is a miracle dear friends!!!

     Well, maybe its because I’ve finally gotten bored of sharing my thoughts, or maybe because of the simple lack of anything worth writing about in my life, or maybe because I’m exceptionally cheery these days.

     Reading my past blog entries, I see that it full of grunge and stuff. I didn’t know I had that poetic side of me.

    Well I’ve gotten over that, and this time, I’m not just telling myself that I’ve gotten over, I actually did.

    And about time too! It’s a whole new year and in less than two months time, I will be out of that phase of innocence and selfishness. I will be 20, and a non teenager.

    Breath, breath.

    Well It had to come sooner or later, I just wish I spent more time as a teenager. (like you could do that!)

     I still remember being excited about turning 13 and finally being a teenager, then entering high school, then finally entering college, and then having my 18th birthday.

    All of those milestones were highly anticipated, but this one, I’d rather not have. The prospect of not having an excuse for being a selfish brat (my sister’s words) isn’t too appealing to me. Not that I’m a brat, maybe sometimes but not always. Hehehe Excuses!

    I don’t know why I fear growing old so much. I dunno, maybe its just seeing my parents. Since I entered college, I vowed never to be like them. Well not in terms of parenthood, I’m very proud of the way my parents brought me up. Rather I don’t want to be the type of person who gets stuck in the past. Like for example, my dad, who still listens to Frank Sinatra. It’s good to commemorate the past, but I don’t want to be stuck in it.

    One other thing is my parents supposed lack of friends. I mean it looks like they didn’t even go through high school. Is that what having a family does to you? Do you lose touch with your friends entirely? Well I don’t want that to happen.

    That’s it! I’m really getting old, I’m actually thinking about what my behavior would be when I turn forty-ish.

    Let’s face it, twenty years have passed, and it wont be long till twenty more will.

    It makes me think. What will happen when I die? Will I go to hell? Or to heaven? With the vast number of teachings around today I don’t even know if my sins are enough to send me to hell. And when I die, what would it feel like? Will it hurt? Will I be bale to see my family when I ascend/descend to wherever it is will be going?

    Well enough about questions that’ll never be answered. I wanted to write this blog entry so that I could document this years Holiday festivities, but I end up blabbering.

    Anyways, Christmas was as bland as ever. Not that I’m not happy with Christ being born and all, its just that, Christmas is for children. Speaking of which, I already have five godchildren, and three more are coming. Sheesh. Well the good part is, since I don’t have work yet, my mom’s sort of the surrogate godparent and she shoulders the expenses.

    I wouldn’t have any money for Christmas if my Dad didn’t give me money, hehehe. Well it was pre Christmas that was fairly joyous I get to spend some time with my friends during Simbang Gabi, and I get to listen to the hilarious priest at our church.

    I especially like the Simbang Gabi which I went to without sleep. I would stay up until 3am chatting with ALCHEMISTS online and proceed to the church at around 3:50 after I’ve changed clothes and taken a bath. We would play online TKO on conference at YM. And when everybody starts dropping offline, I take my leave and go to church. So I wake up at around 1:30pm everyday. (adik!)

    Next would be New Year, which is easily more fun than Christmas. Early New Years eve, my cousins fireworks stand got smoked, literally, I was inside the house and I heard the almost 1 minute long series of toks! And claps! Good thing nothing else was burnt.

    I cooked halaya with ube freshly harvested from my Dad’s mini garden. I used ube that isn’t taken from underground; it sort of grows in vines and is a very dark violet. I think my arm got bigger a few centimeters because of the excessive amount of stirring that I had to do.

    Late that night, when all the cars parked outside the street in front of our house (dead end kasi) were safely stowed in the various safe parking lots around Caloocan, me and my cousins took advantage of the once a year vacancy in the almost five meter wide street and took to lighting fire crackers.

    I dunno what it is about lighting up those small sticks with red stuff in the end, the stuff you see in matches, and watching them pop in between my friend’s feet. Hehehehe, we enjoyed seeing everyone dance with fear because of the small pops.

    Well it was around 9pm when I finished with the halaya, so after I took a bath and changed into more decent clothes, I didn’t have to wait much longer for midnight when all the cool fireworks will be lit. As usual, the family has reserved money for a bunch of fireworks, bombshells, those that go high into the air and explode into a sort of circular flower of light, and other high flying special effect fireworks.

    But this year’s a bit different, because this year we didn’t light the fireworks until after midnight. We watched the fireworks from the house on the other end of the street and other fireworks dished out by other surrounding families, and then waited for the last moment to light ours.

    The reason behind it was, when we do light our fireworks at exactly midnight, the kids, and even us adults find it hard to focus on a single set because there’re so many. Our barangay turns into a sort of Pyro Olympics during New Year.

    After constant shouting (we shout after every light explosion) and a near miss, (when a bombshell didn’t go high enough and almost singed everyone’s hair) we went inside for the traditional New year dinner, coco and other fatty food.

    But that doesn’t end there, nooo. We didn’t go to sleep until about 6am. If the sun didn’t rise at that moment I think we might’ve lasted that long. Of course, 2pm onwards was the youth’s time to celebrate, with none other than drinks all around.

    What’s great is I get to apply my new year’s resolution, which is not to drink, too much. Well I practiced some restraint after the nth tagay (don’t remember the number) and didn’t have too much of a hangover the next day.

    I woke up at around 3pm where I had to help out with my godson’s birthday party. So it was with no real rest at all that I went to school this morning, didn’t attend my ES 26 class and got windang from my ChE 131 class. (Which announced that the exam is next Monday)

    So after the tiring Eng’g week and the super relaxing, buhay baboy days of Christmas Vacation, I must once again return to my Acad mode days. Well I’ll be especially Acad mode this year because I really need to be, I have to prove to myself that I am worthy of Graduating Chemical Engineering!!

    I finally got it out and in no less than 1,346 words! I wish articles were this easy to write, but then there won’t be any hired writers if it was. (Yak bitter!) So as I wait for the showing of Chronicles of Narnia, and for any other eventful thing that may happen to my life, this would be my last entry.