Blah etc. and everything else

I’m having the impression that some people are thinking things of me that they shouldn’t. I’m not talking about loathing or envy or anything like that, those are normal things for people to think about someone, and even Jesus had enemies, so how can I expect nobody to neither hate nor envy etc me?

What I’m talking about is that I think people think that I have a crush on a certain someone. (Which I don’t) Well the problem is certain someone may think that I do have a crush on him. I’ve been talking about liking someone who’s a close friend, and they seem to think (although they haven’t read this blog) that that close friend is him.

Well the real him is a close friend but not that close friend that they all think is the real him. (I’m not making sense am I?) Well anyway, this guy whom we’ll name, for a lack of a better name, Gands (I just watched the movie Gandhi so, heheh that’s the first name that came to my mind.) People think that the person I’m talking about in my blog is Gands, and in the process, Gands is looking like he’s starting to think the same thing, my reaction.. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! How could they think that? They don’t even read my blog. Maybe it’s because of my answers to the questions that they ask, *shudder* makes me wish I didn’t answer that way. 

Maybe I should lay off Gands for a while? Or should I continue to treat him the same so that it won’t look like I’m guilty? But if I treat him the same won’t it just justify their untrue thoughts that I do have a crush on him? This is really starting to bother me, because it’s starting to affect our friendship. Dang it.

Well going back to my current infatuation, which I dubbed “Guy”, I’m currently seeing less and less of him, well I haven’t seen him since about two weeks ago, and before that I haven’t seen him for like a month. I think I’m finally starting to get over it. Haay thank God! It’s starting to bother me  a lot, and now I know its just infatuation because it doesn’t last if I don’t see him. But I’m still afraid it’ll start up once I see him again. Anyway I have a new infatuation, heheheh although I’m not nearly as infatuated by “Thing”, that’s what I’ve come to call him, as I was infatuated with guy, at least guy would have better days from now on, because I wont think too much about him, and he’d finally probably stop sneezing (Y’know the old wives tale that if you sneeze someone remembers you?)

And about Thing? SO far heheh crush lang, like all my other crushes, I just get to see him more.

To quote Beauty and the Beast’s Gaston

Gaston: Lafu I’m afraid I’ve been
thinking

Lafu: A dangerous pastime

Right, I know this statement was supposed
to be funny, like thinking could be dangerous, or could it? Yah sometims it could be dangerous, if
what you are thinking about is suicide and such, but for the rest of the ideas that pass your mind,
I’m sure they’re relatively safe. So how does that apply to me, well, I’ve been thinking a lot
nowadays, although it might not look it, yes I tend to think deeply, you’d think a lot too if you
had a one hour trip to school, and another hour to get home, what else do you do?  Sleep? Nah
I’m too paranoid about snatchers for that.

There’s an interesting part in this, just wait,
heheheh. A few minutes ago one of my best friends from high school texted me, and said musta na mis
na kita? or sumthing to that extent. I was, well, nagulat, because, we never really talk, text,
verbal, face to face or otherwise, and here she was saying that she missed me. Huh talk about
weirdness, I’m not saying I’m not happy to finally, "read" from her, but what makes it
weirder is the fact that a few days ago, one of my other best friends (tatlo kami) texted me almost
the same stuff, naguusap ba sila?

I was under the impression that we lost touch equally, that
I dont talk to the two, and that they didn’t talk to each other, but they are neighbors though, they
probably can’t avoid it. La lang, here I go back to my sentiments about that friendship, in short,
I’m doubting it, haaay, now (well not now actually, I’ve been contemplating on this for a long time)
that I look back, that friendship looks almost like a facade. Ang tapang kong magpost nito dito noh?
Thats because, thay don’t read my blog, not that I balme them, I don’t read other people’s blog
either, unless I’m really bored.

So enough about that, I read my previous to the
previous entry, about the perfect day, adn I realized that I completely forgot that I got that
almost perfect day last weekend. Hehe it was raining like hell and it s soo cool, ang sarap matulog,
I was at my room alone, reading harry Potter 6, for the 3rd time, heheheh, although the trees and
the foliage aren’t there, at least my windows are open and I get to see the raindrops falling in
front of it, I dunno why, but rain, more specifically water, relaxes me a lot. SO thanks God, may
way Ka tlaga para icomfort ako pag depressed ako.

Speaking about depression, I think I
finally got over it, its not depression where you need the pills and stuff, I’m not schizophrenic…
yet, I’ll post it though when I get there, so anyway, the depression stuff, I think I finally got
over it, or else I’m distracted from it, its usually the thing that distracts me from all the
important stuff, but now I’m getting distracted from my distractions, wanna know why? Of course not!
you’d want me to stop yapping, but you have no choice, read on or not, its your problem.

Anyway I’m applying for a School Organization right? Did I post that already, Id on’t
remember anyway, I am, and althouygh its not very demanding, yet, I find myself always staying at
the tambayan, maybe becasue of the exaggeratingly long breaks that I have between classes, its fun
beign there though, I think I get along with most of the members, which is a good sign, because the
last time I tried applying for an org, I ended up defering because,w ell, ang tataray nung mems.

So enough about that I also have rakets, writing rakets and I’m currently up to my neck in
articles that I have to write, and to top it off, my editor isn’t replying to my e-mails, gigil
talaga, and hindi pa dumadaitng yung sweldo namin from last month’s set of assignments. Haaay, and I
badly need the money for the org application.

And to top it off, unlike my mentally
gifted friends, I’m in the danger zone academic wise, haaay, I dont understand a friggin thing my
profs say, and the ASian regions in my ASian History class seems to be having competitions with each
other as to whom has the most dates and names that the student will have to memorize, and if theres
somehting I hate its memorizing. The only memorizing that I didn’t hate in my whole entire life, was
when I was made to memorize all 120 two letter words acceptable for SOWPODS scrabble. I actually got
to use it. hehehe

Damn it, since it just happened It hink I’m gonna post it, I bout a
pack of Listerine Pocket pcks a few days ago, and have been using it to keep my breath minty fresh
after lunch, and now I’m looking at it, and because of the friggin rains, the strips clung to eahc
other, and I  now have a thick wad of inseparable strips, ugh.

Anyway back to my
contemplations, Tommorow is my informal interview for the Org app, and I’m really nervous, I have
stage fright you see, again this might not seem true, as one of my co-apps pointed out yesterday,
but I have a problem with facing crowds on my own, I’m usually more ocnfident if there’s another one
with me. Haaay I guess I’ll have to go through with it. Oh my gosh I gaven’t informed my buddy yet,
well gonna text him later.  (buddy: an org member whose suposed to assist you during oyur
application, for those who don’t know)

What else have I gotten to think about/ oh yeah i
said i had my perfect day last weekend? That was a saturday, ond ont he Sunday, I dunno out of
nowhere, my chioldhood friends, we are neighbors you see, caleld me para maginuman, just for the
heck of it (and ona sunday huh?)

Whats so fun about it is that even though we are negihbors,
we rarely see each other, and that Sunday was the first time in years since we got together and were
complete. There are like 25 of us, 7 are girls, the rest are boys, can you imagine? Hahaha anyway
prinsesa kami nun kasi konti kaming babae, but nung naginuman kami nung Sunday, puro babae lang
kami, ung mga guys kasi, like us, medjo nagkaroon na ng sari-sariling landas, malaki kasi ung age
range namin, nung 14 yrs old ako, ang age range namen is, 13-25, kaya ung iba ngaun eh may mga
families na, o diba ang saya ng tropa namen wahehehe.

Wala lang we got to talk about more
improtant things in life, how we’ve changed, ung mga disappointments, and since xemrpe laaht kami
babae, eh lovestories, and here it goes agian, my how many years has it been, of boyfriendlessness,
haaay if ther is sucha  word, my english techer might murder me for using that, its as if
everybody expects me to have a boyfriend, BAKIT BA??? although I’m pressured too, eh wla eh ano
mgagawa naten, naghahanap naman eh, kaso wlang, ehem, pumapasa. Mataas daw standards, ko, hay naku
kugn alam nyo lang, kakaiba lang kasi taste ko, tgnan nyo si guy, di naman sya gwapo, hehe pero lyk
na lyk ko un. Oh enough na!!

Hay parang ang tagal ko nang hindi nagpopost, so much has
ahppened, and spo muhc stuff has passed, ratained, and escaped my brain. So far naman kasya pa sila,
sana lang Mapasa ko tong SEm na toh, kungdi, baka maghanap na ako ng bahay na titirhan next sem
wahehehe.

Ang gulo ng post ko noh? wlang continuance?

Grunge mode Part I

I get praises, every now and then, I get people saying you’re so lucky, you have this and that, but really I don’t feel happy or lucky.

This subject has long been the topic of many classic novels, stories, poem’s people who seem to have it all but still do not feel fulfilled. Although I know that I am far from the state of “having it all”, I don’t think I’m rich enough for that, I still think I’m lucky, to have a house, to be studying in one of the most prestigious Universities in the Philippines, to have friends who’d be there for me, to have all my limbs intact, to have good eyesight, to still have both parents, I have lots to be thankful for, but as with every other person out there, there is still something lacking, something missing.

Grunge mode part II

Somehow, I can’t help but feel betrayed; it’s just that everything’s so different now. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone anymore, especially those people. By those people I mean lots of people that I come into contact with, friends, family, etc. Am I paranoid? Shouldn’t I stop thinking negative things about the people around me?

With regards to paranoia, yes, I do think that I am paranoid, after all, I can never ride a jeepney or a bus without first looking at everyone and pinpointing who looks suspicious or not, I make it a point never to sit beside a male that looks remotely like he’s going to snatch my wallet or my cell phone from my hands. Maybe it’s because of the numerous times that my personal belongings were almost taken from me, or maybe it’s the times that I’ve been betrayed.

Betrayal, in this sense doesn’t necessarily mean that I was backstabbed, hurt or two-timed, no, none of these has ever happened to me, at least none that I know of, but still, that looming presence of someone out there waiting to do me in, is perpetual, never leaving.

I never seem to trust anyone as much as I did then, to me any peculiar behavior is always fishy, and the first thing that I think of is the negative, that perhaps by them treating me differently they are looking for a way to soften my defenses, get to me, and finally get their chance to do evil.

I do have a hard time trusting anyone, yes I have friends, but very few whom I know I can share my deepest darkest secrets, knowing that they wont divulge it to anyone. And still the secrets that I choose to tell those chosen few are very small, not really all that I have to offer, nor all that I would want to tell.

It bothers me that I distrust so easily, that I often think of bad things of people even before I see who they are or what they really are to me. Is it pessimism or paranoia?

I never really meant to write about the feelings I get when something peculiar happens, when I start thinking that these changes occur so that people would have a better chance of hurting me. But I’d rather explore the fact that I do feel betrayed, even before the act was even done, or even before there was sufficient proof that I was, or will be backstabbed.

I’ve seen it before, people crying, people feeling hurt, and just watching them affects me, I don’t know how it feels like but I sure do see it a lot, people talking about you behind your back, little did they know that you’re friend is behind theirs, and it’ll be just a matter of time before what they’re saying would get to your ears.

But still, nobody has done anything to me, at least not yet, but why do I already feel betrayed?

I’m getting weirder and weirder each day.